October 18 2005 Rant


Hey all.  I’m experimenting with a little thing my friend James calls “word economy”, where I actually maximize the amount of meaning each sentence contains so as to not make my entries incredibly long.  I probably can’t do it as well with my political entries, but I want to keep this one short because I want everyone to read it.


When I first started this Xanga, I said that it would not feature entries about my personal life because I “didn’t see the point in posting my life on the Internet for people to read”.  Well, I’m going to have to eat my words now, because I really think that posting my thoughts online will help me sort them out.  Plus, I want to get feedback from YOU – friends, family, strangers, whoever and everyone reading this.  So leave comments, PLEASE.


So, I got back to school almost a month ago but I haven’t been online because I had to wait several weeks for my computer to come down, and then I had to wait another to figure out how to access the Internet.  But I’m online now.  My computer is still acting up so I need to take a look at it when I have more time.


School has been okay so far.  I’m actually living on-campus, unlike last year, and I definitely feel more connected to UCSD, like I’m a real college student instead of someone commuting to and from a glorified high school.  Academically, I’ve had difficulty adjusting back to study-mode (and I should be studying for a chem midterm right now, but I have to do this lest I lose my thoughts).  I’m now considering triple-majoring; in addition to my current major of general biology, I would add majors in earth science/geology and political science/American politics (the latter being just nine classes, including one I already APed out of).  If I decide to do it, it’ll be hard and I probably won’t graduate until 2009 at least.  But I’d appreciate a good challenge, not to mention no less than three college degrees.


I’ve had an incredibly hard time grappling with enormous social struggles I’ve had since returning to campus.  In case ya’ll didn’t know, I’m very socially insecure and incredibly afraid of losing friendships (so James, that’s why I asked that awkward question last Thursday.  Sorry.).  Lately I’ve had that same feeling I’ve had a lot since the beginning of high school – that feeling of complete ineptitude, like I can’t do ANYTHING right.  That applies academically and physically as well but it goes most for my social life.  As dumb as this is gonna sound, I’m a complete LOSER and have trouble making and keeping friendships.  I don’t know how to do it, how to approach people, and I never know when I’m supposed to advance or quit.  Like, if I’m getting a good vibe from someone, I know that person’s a friend for life.  But some people, it’s like sometimes we have a good conversation and sometimes we don’t, and I just can’t reach that person on a deeper, closer level.  And I don’t know if I should just give up based on how that person is acting currently, or keep trying to be that person’s friend based on how that person acted in the past. 


People have told me to just move on – but FUCK, it’s not that easy.  And yeah you’ll say, I know it’s not that easy but I mean it’s not that easy in the sense that I can’t fucking do it.  I don’t get ever “get over” anyone unless that person completely changes to an outright jerk – THEN maybe I’ll get disgusted enough to get over him/her.  But every time a friend drifts away from me or stops talking to me, they’re basically tearing a chunk of my soul off and I’m NOT getting it back unless they come back to ME.


So yeah – people who I can’t tell if they want to be friends or just trying to be polite: just FUCKING tell me how you feel.  And this goes for people who I constantly IM and don’t respond – TELL ME if you don’t want to talk to me/be my friend.  Yeah you might hurt me but you’re hurting me even more by keeping me in the dark; I take people I like very seriously.  If you’re just ignoring me because you’re seriously afk all the time, then tell me that too – but for God’s sake DON’T lie to me.  And don’t EVER feel afraid to tell me how you think about me or if I did/am doing something wrong.  Yeah you’ll most likely hurt me and I might feel sad or cry but it won’t be your fault, cuz you did everything right.


I know I’m not perfect and I hate myself for it, but I want to be improve myself, reinvent myself and I need your help.  I want feedback and please leave comments.  I’ll respond and I promise that I won’t hold it against you if you end up hurting my feelings; I want you to hurt my feelings if that’s what it takes to be honest with me.  Thanks everyone, for everything.


– Kenneth